


In Your Love I've Become Angry With Myself

by Su1010



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: "Was I ever enough?", Angst, Angst and Fluff, Best Friends, Heartbreak, Karasuno, M/M, Nekoma, New Beginnings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 07:09:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27347161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Su1010/pseuds/Su1010
Summary: Tsukishima Kei didn't know when exactly he had fallen in love with Yamaguchi Tadashi. All he knew was that he would never be enough for him.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Kudos: 22
Collections: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020





	In Your Love I've Become Angry With Myself

**Author's Note:**

> D2! This is kinda short I'm sorry cos Angst Week is also in the middle of me finishing up assignments week. This is not as angsty as Day 1 I promise. Mostly cos I set it up for D3's Kurootsukki hehe. As usual, enjoy the angst!
> 
> Come follow me on Twitter! @chakraverty1010

The night was silent, illuminated by only the pale glow of the moonlight reflected against the bitumen and the dim streetlights humming lowly like a buzz of a fly against the sweetness of fruit.

Tsukishima Kei let his gaze fall to the ground unlike his namesake which always shined brightly above; music blasting loudly through his earphones. Yamaguchi was skipping along beside him; kicking at random stones on the street.

“Hey, Tsukki,” Yamaguchi stopped at an unfamiliar alley and Tsukki arched an eyebrow, removing his earphones to listen to his best friend speaking. Yamaguchi gestured towards the alley and rested his hand on the nape of his neck, rubbing at it while averting his gaze from Tsukishima whose frown deepened at his best friend’s unusual behaviour.

“I’m heading to Shimada-san’s to practice my serve. You can carry on home.”

“Oh,” the word slipped through Tsukishima’s lips before he could refrain himself. ‘Yeah, yeah I’ll see you tomorrow then.” He slipped the earphones back on and headed home, alone this time, with only the moon keeping him company on a starless night.

Practice the next day was tiring. Daichi gathered them around to brief them about the practice match they would have be having next week with Nekoma and Tsukishima found himself stealing glances at the raven-haired boy, trying to etch the freckles littered across his bare skin into unnamed constellations akin to the ones he often saw through his window on the nights he laid awake, unable to sleep.

Yamaguchi remained oblivious as ever, unaware of the feelings his best friend was harbouring towards him ever since they had stepped into the hallways of high school. He sighed when he saw Yamaguchi look in the direction of where Yachi was seated beside Shimizu, engaged in conversation about their training schedule throughout the week.

Yachi laughed at something Shimizu said and Tsukki saw the faint ghost of a smile play on Yamaguchi’s lips as he leaned on Tsukki’s shoulder yet gaze remained fixated on the girl sitting across from them. 

“You’re heavy,” Tsukki commented with a grunt, pushing Yamaguchi off his shoulder – both because he really wasn’t as light as he looked but also because Tsukishima could not stand his best friend looking at someone else with the same adoration he looked at Tsukishima at, but brighter. 

Yamaguchi grinned and ran a hand through his hair, bowing to his best friend. “Gomen, Tsukki.”

Tsukki snorted at the apology and turned to Daichi, tuning into his words once more. But before he could fully immerse himself in the briefing, Sugawara laid a hand on his shoulder and gestured towards Yamaguchi who was once more transfixed by Yachi tying her hair up into that signature updo she donned.

“I’m sorry,” Suga whispered as Tsukishima shook his head and lowered his head onto his hands which were crossed across his knees.

“Don’t be, Suga-san. It isn’t your fault.”

Sugawara moved his hand to rub small circles on the younger boy’s back as his voice dropped to an octave barely above a whisper, the tone low enough as not to interrupt Daichi’s briefing. 

“Yeah, but I know how it feels.”

Tsukki looked up at that and saw Sugawara gazing at Daichi with a fond look in his eyes. 

_Oh,_ he thought to himself. _Love really is blind._

Sugawara sighed and Tsukishima was snapped out of his reverie.

“You see, Tsukishima. Sometimes things don’t work out the way we want them to no matter how much we want them to. Look at our match against Aoba Johsai. We trained so hard yet still lost. Sometimes the outcome is already determined despite the efforts and we can’t alter what has been set. But you can work on moving on slowly, no matter how painful it is. The pain is what keeps us going, remember that.”

Tsukishima took Sugawara’s words and locked them away in the crevices of his grey matter, stored away for safekeeping. He had a feeling he would need the reminder more often than not.

Days passed, each one becoming lonelier for Tsukishima as Yamaguchi often went a separate way instead of following the usual route they stayed on until they reached home. Somedays Tsukki wanted to drag Yamaguchi towards him and hold him close so that he would never have to let him go. But he couldn’t; he wouldn’t. Tsukishima Kei was a lot of things; but he was not a selfish man. 

He knew Yamaguchi wanted to improve and he knew a time would come when his best friend would surpass him. He smiled as tears dropped to the concrete and wiped them away with the sleeve of his school uniform, tilting his head up to the sky and gazing at the moon which he shared a name with. The moon was never lonely; always having the stars and clouds surrounding her even though they were rarely seen. But Tsukishima Kei was alone, and it was with that painful realisation that he trudged home and came to terms with the fact that his best friend was leaving him behind. 

The match with Nekoma was a good experience for all of them. The younger lineup especially, which consisted of Kageyama, Hinata, Tsukishima and Yamaguchi – it provided them with the opportunity to gain experience and hone their skills. They still lost though – in two consecutive sets. But Daichi and Sugawara being the best captain and vice-captain, assured them that this wasn’t the end; rather with the new generation, it was the beginning of Karasuno who Daichi vowed would fly once more. 

Tsukishima set out towards the vending machine to grab a drink and heard low voices near the girls’ washroom. The curiousity rising within his chest like the anxiety before a match bubbled over and he hid behind the brick wall, craning his head to sneak a glance. At that moment, he regretted his decision but some moments would just remain in your head forever. Like the moment you saw your best friend who you were in love with kissing another girl.

Tsukki watched as Yamaguchi and Yachi shared stolen kisses, Yachi’s hand entangled in Yamaguchi’s tousled curls and Tsukishima knew how soft his hair was in Tsukishima’s rough hands every single time Tsukki had tugged at it to reprimand him. 

Yamaguchi was pressing Yachi against the wall and the girl giggled as Yamaguchi pressed another kiss to her lips. Tsukishima wished he knew how Yamaguchi’s lips tasted like. Maybe honey from the way he always treated everyone so sweetly. Or maybe now it would be bitter like the bile that was currently coating his throat and he quickly pushed away from the wall, rushing in the opposite direction towards the boys’ washroom.

The sound of the running water helped him calm down as he placed both hands against the tiled surface and looked at his reflection in the mirror. Suddenly he had the sudden urge to tear his hair out strand by strand just because they were the same colour as Yachi’s. 

_God,_ he screamed silently, adrenaline buzzing through his veins like static electricity. _Why the fuck am I not enough? Was I ever enough in the first place? Maybe I was just holding Yamaguchi back from his true potential. Maybe Yachi is the only one who can help Yamaguchi be himself._

A knock against the toilet door snapped Tsukishima out of his thoughts as he turned to see Nekoma’s captain looking at him with a worried expression. 

“Hey, four-eyes. You good?”

Tsukishima didn’t realise he was crying until Kuroo closed the distance between them in two quick strides and removed his glasses, pulling some tissue from the container to wipe his eyes.

“Hey, hey,” Kuroo chided gently. “What’s going on? If this is about you guys losing, I’m sorry but-“

Tsukishima shook his head in response. “It isn’t. That loss isn’t even comparable to the loss I’m feeling right now.”

Kuroo frowned and took a step back, gauging Tsukki’s reaction. He then backtracked towards the door, craned his head out, looked to the right and let out a sigh when he realised what was the cause of Tsukishima’s pain.

“Look, four-eyes-“ Kuroo started but Tsuki shook his head, preventing the Nekoma captain from continuing any further.

“Don’t,” Tsukishima shook his head. “You’re gonna be like Suga-san and say something like the pain keeps reminding us we’re alive. I don’t-“

Kuroo grabbed the younger middle blocker’s hand before Tsukki could rub at his eyes to get rid of the remaining tears that were still lingering.  
“Look, Kei.”

Tsukishima stiffened at how foreign his name sounded on the Nekoma captain’s tongue. 

“I’m not disagreeing with Sugawara. Yes, the pain does keep us alive and yes, we get used to it after sometime. But that doesn’t mean that it hurts any less.”

Tsukishima felt the words echo in the chambers of his mind as he tried to grasp the meaning behind each word. 

_But that doesn’t mean that it hurts any less._

“Fuck, Kei,” Kuroo grabbed the younger player and pulled him close, wrapping him in a warm embrace and Tsukishima got the faint scent of cedarwood from his shirt. “You deserve better.”

Tsukishima Kei had grown up being second-best to his brother; always being compared to the older boy who had been first at everything and excelled at everything they both had participated in. In his sixteen years of living, never once had someone told Tsukishima Kei that he deserved better.

“Why?” Tsukishima managed to ask in between sobs that were wracking his frail body. “Why is it always me who suffers?”

Kuroo tightened his hold around the boy and leaned his forehead against Tsukki’s. “God, Kei, I wish I knew. But life isn’t always fair is it?”

Tsukishima nodded and pulled away slowly, looking at Kuroo’s shirt which was now stained with tears and snot and Tsukki quickly grabbed a few tissues, wiping at them frantically. 

Kuroo grabbed his hand and took the tissues out of his grasp.

“I’m sorry for springing this on you,” Tsukki apologised and Kuroo smirked, the corners of his lips curling up. “Come on Kei, you know better than to apologise to me. If you want to make it up to me, what you can do is practice blocking with me. I’ll teach you.”

“What?” Tsukki frowned, reaching for his glasses and wiping them with the hem of his shirt before putting them back on so he could finally see Kuroo clearly. 

“Come to Nekoma during the weekends when you don’t have practice. I’ll teach you blocking with a few others from Fukurodani.”

“But why?” Tsukishima continued his inquiry. “Cats and crows are supposed to be enemies.”

Kuroo shook his head and Tsukki swore he saw a mischievous glint cross those unfamiliar hazel eyes that he was slowly starting to drown in. “Cats and crows have a prey-predator relationship. They evolve by chasing after one another; forcing the other to adapt so that they don’t become a meal for another predator. Cats and crows may be enemies; but they also rely heavily on each other to become better. In Layman’s terms, we _need_ each other.”

Need. That word meant so much to Tsukishima yet so little now that things had changed. He thought he had needed Yamaguchi; but maybe he didn’t. Maybe what he had needed all this while was a little more faith in himself and the courage to step forward.

“Alright,” he nodded, agreeing to Kuroo’s proposition. “I’ll be here.”

Kuroo crossed his arms across his chest and smirked once more, showing Tsukishima the feline side of him that Tsukishima was accustomed to seeing on the court. “Good. I’ll be waiting.”

He started heading out but stopped halfway and turned back to face Tsukishima. “Also, Kei. Wipe your tears. You’re too pretty to cry.”

With that, he walked out, leaving Tsukishima to his devices and repeating the words over and over in his head like a broken record. 

_Maybe he had always been enough; it had just taken someone else to see it._


End file.
